Well.. Yeah..

Nothing is perfect, Nothing lasts forever.

There is always an end at some point.

How long...

How long till the truth becomes a lie?

How long till it doesnt exist.

How long....

I wonder....


Josh.

No point trying.

No point in trying something if that something doesnt even happen.

Its stupid.

Try to make it work yet there is always something that screws it up.

Shame.

...

Well, A blog..

Guess this is one..

Rather bored..

Nothing to do..

Happyness was lost..

Thought to soon..

Shame..

-sigh-..

Long post that was meant to be really short \=

Heyy.

How am I feeling?

Well... Im feeling kinda....

SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME :D

My holidays so far have been pretty cool, its been 3 weeks and so far its pretty fun.

I’ve spent most of my holidays so far with Phoenix, In fact I spent the first two weeks with her every day nearly :). It was pretty awesome!!

I hung out with Ashleigh on Monday, I recently met her and have become good friends with her and so far she hasn’t shown any of them symptoms of the curse? Or disease? I carry around when I meet girls and hang with them. I’m liking that, as I was talking to Aden about it and now it seems I might have found one :D Well I hope she is or otherwise I think I should stop talking to her? Or just try cure her of the curse/disease somehow. Either works though i prefer if i kept talking to her as she is pretty cool.

I’m hanging with Ashleigh again tomorrow, She’s coming over and we are watching movies and whatever else really, not much to do but she has movies I haven’t seen so that’s what is planned to happen. Any suggestions on what else we can do?

Well, Ive got to get out more these holidays and start buying presents!!
Anyone looking forward to Christmas?
I’m rather not as I don’t really like Christmas all too much but I get gifts so I’m okay with that. Just the giving I’m not all too fond about >:D

So, I’m enjoying life currently.
Perfect girlfriend,
New Friend,
Getting along well with mates.

Sounds pretty good to me, Just.. We need to organise stuff so we can all go places and do stuff!

Guitar Hero Night, it will happen some time after Christmas hopefully.
Any other suggestions?

I've re-picked up my guitar and started learning it again.
I'm currently learning,
Falling For You by Secondhand Serenade
I want to learn the lyrics for it off by heart so I can play it and sing it to Phoenix. Atleast thats what I plan.
Any other songs I should learn?
Please not heavy metal or anything like that. :)
Something that has a nice beat and isnt all bang bang bang..
Songs kinda like Jack Johnsons music or JET.. Prefer Jack though.


Josh

What to get her.. :)

Phoenix Is The Most Beautiful Girl In the Entire Universe. If only she knew how pretty she is.

I’m so lucky to have her in my life. I always thought I was unlucky. Clearly I was wrong <3

She has work soon so I have to leave and go to the Twins for the movie night but before that.. I’m going shopping this afternoon to try and find her a gift, But I’m unsure on what to buy her. I think and I think but nothing seems to come to mind. She hints at stuff but what if I get it wrong.. If Only I could read her mind Then I would know exactly what she wants and I could go buy it and give her it. She leaves soon, to go on her cruise. I’m going to miss her, She’s gone for like two weeks!!! Or nearly that. It’s insane.. I’m going to miss her terribly and I don’t know what I’m going to do while she’s gone. I might try draw and get better at it and then make her a picture. This time make them better so she will love it.

I really Need to get her something that she will love. It needs to be perfect just like she is..<3

Phoenix, I Love You, Forever And 3 Days After.

She must be an angel to be that beautiful.
Josh.

Christmas is soon.. Gifts..?

So I sit here in the dark, Unable to sleep with a stolen laptop.

It's currently 11.29pm Friday the 3rd of December 2010.

I have a cold or something of the sort.
When I cough my head feels like its going to explode.

When standing if I start coughing I fall to the ground and pretty much can not breath.

It hurts quite alot.
But I'm fine with that.


So I'm sitting here, thinking of her.

Phoenix.


I'm sitting here wondering what I should do.

She is going on a holiday.
Very soon might I add.

I cant say much, But I had an Idea and I want to do it.
But... I dont know what to do for it.

Well, Id like to ask for help but I need to do it myself.




Christmas is soon!

My gosh its close.
I haven't even found anything I can get for Phoenix for christmas.

I sit around every day trying to think of the perfect gift for her, But all my ideas are stupid and silly. Or the good ones are to tough and there is a big possibility she wont like it. But if she did like it she would never forget it :)

So, What is everyone getting there partner for christmas?
If you have one that is.

If not, Just say what you plan on getting people for christmas anyhows :)


Well, Rambling is almost done.
I still feel like crap and I only coughed 3 times while writting this. Which is amazing since I constantly cough while just saying there trying to sleep. Weird.



Josh.

What Do People See In Me.. Seriously..

Why is She still with me..

I'm nothing but a lying bastard.
All I've done to her is lie.

Ive hurt her so much and I keep saying to myself that I wont hurt her again, But no matter how hard I try not to. I end up hurting her anyway.

Why is she still hanging around?
Anyone else would have left me by now.
If I was her I Would have left as well.

I don't see what She sees in me.
I don't see what anyone sees in me.

I'm a jerk.

Whats so great about me seriously?

I keep thinking she would be better off with out me, Ive told her that several times but she has never agreed.

What do I have to offer? More pain? More lies? Despite the fact that I'm trying to be honest to her, I still know I will lie and hurt her again.


Id like to think I've changed and become a better person. But really, Is that true?

I don't think it is.

Life As A Necklace And You As My Charm

I miss you,

I miss your smile,

I miss your embrace.

I miss the way you look at me.

And I,

I miss your face.

I miss the way you acted.

I even miss the way you did,

All the little things you did.

I'm not content with this,

How can sentences mess me up,

And make me want to live like this?

I don't want to live like this,

No I don't want to live like this.

Cuz, I want to live life with chyou in my arms.

Cuz I want to live life as a necklace and you as my charm.

Life repeats. Tsk tsk.

So, Its life yeah?

Changed are expected right?

Things happen?

There is stuff we try to run from, But they always catch us.

No matter how far we try to run and how good we hide.

Life repeats in its ways doesn't it?

Its not all to bad.

Is it?

Stuff repeats but in different ways.

It goes back and forth, Back and Forth.

Well, The past isn't something to dwell on people.

Sure stuff might repeat.

Just gotta avoid the bad stuff chyeah?

Break free from the shadows that dwell over you.

Do not lie. Its no good for you..

Kid, you had another chance.

You should have told her then and there.

You didnt have to hide the truth.

Yet you let slip a lie.

You know you failed your promise so soon.

You say just one more try.

If you fail this time

You are surely to slip a loose.

You will disappear from her life.



You will not lie,
You will not hide,
You have to change,
Or it is good bye.

Learn this Josh,
You have to learn the truth.
If you do not,
Then its good bye to you.

Just a Contribute

Why do you make me smile so easily?

Its not fair in the slightest.

You just look at me and I instantly smile and have thoughts and feelings stream though my body.

You can cheer me up and make my day just by saying Hello.

You are there for me when ever I need you.

You Complement me.

You and I share things in common.

You respect me.

I respect you.

I love that I'm able to joke around with you.

I love the way you look at me.

I love the way we muck around and play games.

I love hearing you tell me stuff that makes you blush or makes your day.

I love everything about you.

I love you


Im glad your in My Life.

Your my Bestest Friend.

Joshyy

Just A Lost Boy...

I know who I am, But who is that exactly?

This question has been with me for most of my life,

Its mainly become a part of me over the last few years.

To be honest I dont know who I am,

I dont know why im here,

I dont exactly have a purpose,

Now do I?

Im just a Lost Boy,

A Boy who is too afraid to face the truth,

A boy who runs away every time.

Its not like I'm that great of a person.

So, why am I here?

Who am I?

Why did you do it?

Well Xendal, I hope your happy.

Letting emotions and feelings take control of your life,

Now you remember dont you?

Now you remember why not to use emotions and not to care?

Your weak.

Emotions are your downfall.

How do you even know if these feelings you hold are even true?

You dont, do you?

You just try to believe that this is all fate and its meant to be.

Well you can clearly see thats not true.

Emotions are a weakness.

Weakling, why do you even exist?

I hate you so badly.

Why did you do this?

Because you thought it was for the best?

You fool why not just be like we used to?

If i could, I would destroy you.

Gone out of my life so quick.



Xendal, you really are a fool.

What you did tonight can not be undone,

You lost your chance.

I hope your happy.

Chains Of Memorys...

Is it possible to be feeling like this?

I have feelings which are being lost every moment. I didnt think this is possible but its happening, I can feel it and its slightly driving me insane but for some reason I'm kind of glad at the same time..

All good things come to an end, is what I was told and something I read today.

Should I act befor its all lost or just let it fall apart?

Im deeply confused but maybe I should let it drop, things would be easyer for some if I let go and forgot.

These feeling changed me and made me a better person and have helped me alot, I cant say its the feelings but more Her that has been there for me and made me happy. But the feelings being lost used to trigger happy memorys of which the chains are slowly being broken apart and I'm now losing reason to believe thats how I feel still.

Its concerning to think It might disappear completely as its an important feeling and I dont want to to go but maybe its for the best right?

Really what is it I should do?

They have been here for quite a while and now they are just leaving me and Im clinging onto the feelings just to have something in life I enjoyed and something that really did change me.

Why am I holding on? I really dont know anymore.
Please give me a reason to remember or just let it fall.



So once again I am falling ever so slowly.



Please will an angel catch me before its too late.

Joshyy

Rambling >.>

You know whats really annoying, Hic Ups.

They are so damn annoying, I currently have them and have had them for the last 30mins, they go away for like a min and then bang they are back and you just want to scream and be like omg don't make me come in there!!!

I'm currently playing with my knife, spinning it around tossing it in the air and just yeah playing with it. 'Tis a shape little knife i missed it and it fell and cut down the side of my box.

My thoughts at the moment are everywhere I cant focus on anything at this very moment. These hic ups are mega annoying but I'm getting used of it and I've been counting how far apart are each hic and its an average of 16.

My internet is really pissing me off tonight, its running ever so slow and its rather annoying. Ever since mum moved the internet its been running slowly and it is really getting to me.

Today was a rather awesome day was just a mega awesome day, had a poke'name battle off I lost horrible which makes me feel lame >.> But it was just mega awesome kicked ass in guitar hero movies and chyeah. Wish I could do it again, twas fun. Sleeping in tomorrow, going to try for 12 or maybe 1 since I have nothing to do at this house.

This blog did actually have a purpose but I've just been posting what ever has come into my mind so enjoy my rambling or don't its up to you, I'll post a proper blogy thing again sometime when I'm not so lost in thought and feelings.

Choices...

Ever scared of a choice you have to take?

You know whats best and you want to take it but you can't?

You know you have to choose soon other wise everything will be a wreck?

You know if you choose the wrong one you will regret it?

You know if you choose the correct one you will regret it as well?

What happens if you pick the wrong choice, its not as if you can go back.
No, it would be far to late to go back.

You see, I have this choice I have to make, I can't choose to do what would be best because I don't want that to happen.

If it does happen I will really hate myself.
But if I don't I'm just going to be miserable and so are others because of me.

I.. don't care what other think of my choice, I know which one they all want me to pick.

But you see, it's not that easy.

I want to pick the right choice, and in the long run it would be better, no more causing problems and such.

But It's just not what I want.

I'm really confused and flipping a coin wont work here.

Why do choices have to be so complicated.



Joshyy

Her.

Ever want to spend your time with someone because they make you feel happy and complete?

And you don't really care what other people say about it.

You just want to be with her.

And you don't care if she mad at you or doesn't want to be with you.

You just want to spend time with her and hope that shes not busy.

And you don't notice how quickly time goes when your beside her.



Just a few things that came to mind and where stopping me from sleeping.

These are my thoughts,
I hope you can all relate.

I miss her.




Joshyy

My Day, Last Day Of Term 3.

Today, Today was incentive day for me. I got up at 3am and was ready by 4 to be picked up by Neisha at 4.10. We got to school and waited for the bus, it was late. We got on and went to Harvey Bay for whale watching, 4 hours on a boat.

Awesome yeah? Damn right it was, I loved it.

I re-met Tegan that day. Yes I've met her before but this time I re-met her as I found out who she was and actually kinda got to know her. Shes fair cool, fair cool? That's not very correct. Shes totally awesome!.

On the boat we watched whales cuz.. well... that's what you do when you go Whale Watching. I hung with Lauren for the first hour or two then I hung around Tyler and Jake and As previously said, Tegan.

Jake seemed to only be able to relate things to sex while on the boat.

Heres an example of something that happened:

Someone says: Click view movies, Jake replys: Did somebody just say lick your boobies?

Yes as we can see that is closely sounding but he made it sexual with out realizing. Good on you Jake.

Anyhows I got lots of photos and we all got wet ;) wait nooooo not that type of wet shesh. Wet from water what else!! ... Just.. Never mind...


Okay so we then went to a water park. Looked lame, got into it and it was fun, dragging Lauren and Tegan out to get wet by the water from a huge bucket was fun. Tiggy was pretty good till I slipped on the water. Hehe :P .

Back on bus got back to school Neisha's mum took me home, was a fun trip me and Neisha talked a fair bit in the car to her mum and each other about our day.


The day was awesome, mainly wrote this just to put out thoughts on the day as I reviewed it.

Guess what? Getting up at 3am was totally worth it.

Tegan, not that you will read this but... Thanks for the fun and it was really nice to get to know you betterish. Guess I'll just try hang around you a bit more to learn more about you. Thanks for keeping me company and keeping me entertained. Wish to learn more about you and hang with you more often, your totally super special awesome. And Guess what! I so won that race ;) . Told you I was faster =D

Jake, You wont read this either but ehh.. Thanks for making us all laugh at your stupidity and very funny sexual jokes.

Lauren, you wont read this either, wow no surprise... Thanks for keeping my company and getting me some good whale photos, and twas funny when you got your tea spilt all over you from that chick haha ;)

Tyler, Know you out of them all will likely read this.. I just uploaded That 1 guy to my Ipod since I remembered from listening to it on the bus with you, and I thank you for laughing with me or at me when I slipped on water when we went and crashed down, Funny stuff >:P . And the water park, haha twasnt for you I would have been like blahh no fun to serious not in a josh fun mood. >:D


Yours Faithfully,
Xendal.

Super Nerd.

Today, I realized how nerdy I am. But also how cool I am.

Two kids were talking to one of my friends and looked like he didn't like it we all went over and one of the guys kept flicking ice ate us so i kicked the ice thingy out of his hands really quickly. Was that or punch the bitch in the face, I found my choice funner and it looked cool and tag teamed when Aden stood on it when it hit the ground. They walked away after a bit and the other guy throw his at me and it hit me in the head I laughed and said allows "Oh no! A critical hit!" only after I said it I realized how nerdy it was.

I now realize I am a Super Nerd, not just a normal one but I'm A.. Super Nerd!. Kinda like Super Saiyan with out all the cool powers. Infact! nothing like a Super Sayian AT ALL, apart from the super part. But even with out the super part I'll still rank over 9000 like Goku.

Sure my realizing was a slow start, but now I'll be making moves like Yoshi in a Go-Kart.

Guess you really know your a nerd when you sit there watching 3 hours of a movie from a game you play and you say stuff like crit or dodge or what not in life.

Is being a Super Nerd bad? I think I'm just like I used to be, the cool guy that most people loved even though he was a smart ass little nerdy bitch.


Share your thoughts with me.

Ever considered becoming a Super Nerd? Or do you think being a regular nerd is the way to go? Or hey, maybe your one of those people who think nerds are gay? Let me know.



Yours Nerdy,
Holy Pally, Xendal.

As it grows darker.

I see them, they are happy. A few kids, at school, sitting around talking and making jokes. I see me as a kid. I'm sitting in a tree watching myself, he looks up and is smiling. I look into his eyes I don't see truth what I see is a lie. The world is starting to grow darker thunder is heard the kids get up and run to their mothers which should not be there but yet it grows darker. Clouds have taken over the sky, lightning and thunder are dancing around. The parents grin, there eyes widen. They start to change, finger nails grow longer, their arms turn into a rough purple red colour scale likish, they grow horns and wings, their faces extend and become narrow and they turn into demons. There is fire, the buildings are burning I see the kids starting to scream the world is in chaos they are screaming for help. I just sit there watching kids be slaughted by demons coming out of no-where I see myself get stabbed. I look into my eyes again, I recognize the pain and the sadness he has in his eyes now. Now I see how the world feels, happiness has gone. Nothing but darkness and death surrounding us all. We live to die I whisper to myself as I watch from the tree. He falls to the ground, lays there bleeding. Looks up at me one last time holds out his hand and says with his last breath. Help me, and dies. I sat and watched as he said that I jump out of the tree and walk away into the darkness smiling as I fade away.

Living the life? Only could wish.

I like to think I'm living the life.

Truth be told...

I'm not.


My life isn't what most would call great.

Yes I realize there are those poor little people who are staving to death and they must have so much worse lives then me **sarcasm**. Good for them, we all have problems in life, I just wished to release my thoughts, read it if you wish.



I have a girlfriend as we all know. I haven't seen her in the last month. Its like she doesn't really care if she sees me or not, it doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest. She likes to boss me around, or so it seems. Tells me what I can do and what I can't do. I put up with shit from my friends about her and it gets really annoying with all the jokes and stuff they say about her. Despite all that is wrong with it all, I still seem to love her. One of my friends told me to dump her because it wont be any different to what it is now, not seeing her and barely talking to her. Know whats funny? That friend is friends with phoenix also. I thought about this and its true. Would I be able to do it though? No. I don't think I could do it. I don't want to lose her. She means everything to me, basically the only reason I've decided to start trying in life.

Things with her aren't in my mind going so well. If only she knew how much it hurts me for her to be mad at me. If only she knew how much I love her and miss her. Yet it only seems to be about her and not me. Guess my opinions and feelings/thoughts don't count then.



My family..

Hate them. I don't fit in. I don't feel anything for them. They are there to provide for me, nothing more. I don't see any reason for me to have feels for them, they mean nothing to me. Never have I been treated as an equal in this family. Its always about someone else, greedy? Yes I spose it is. Caring meter? Zero. I rather hate dad, he has never been or done anything for me. All he has ever done is lied to me.



Friends..

Would I really call half my friends proper friends? Half of them I don't really care for also. Some are just people I talk to so I'm not alone or anything. Some are jerks and are mean when ever they can be and I get the urge to just punch them in the face. One of my friends today for example, they always take my phone and Ipod and when I ask for it back I don't get it. But oh no! when I take her phone they hit me and punch me and just went blah at me. I didn't take it for keeps like they do I just took it to actually have a look at her phone, wasn't even going to go through it but I still got punched several times, its daily this person hits me and it pisses me off and today I really hated them for it. Only a few of my friends or people I hang out with ( our full group, year 9's included and the rest of the year 10's and such ) I can consider real friends, sure some are ass holes at times but at least they keep me from thinking negative and make me have a good time ( sometimes ).



I have a lot more to stay but I feel as if what was on my chest of lifted temporarily.

I think negative 93.2% of the time.


Yours Faithfully,
Xendal.

Out rank me? You wish.

Class, rank, fame, wealth, money...

None of that is important to me. It doesn't matter what you have or how high you rank, if you want to think your too good for us all then that's great tell someone who cares, go fuck yourself bro.

You get people who think they out class you because they're rich or they play sports and are buff and have apparently cool hair cuts.

Here's an example, I think we all know about these apparently "cool" and "popular" kids at school who think their top shit cuz of there hair and cuz they play sports.. When really most people think they're dickheads.

Yepp, now its out there. We all know its true they just wish to think they out rank us.


I rather hate people who think they are better then me because they apparently are cooler or anything. How about yous?



Yours Faithfully,
Xendal.

P.S
This blog did originally have a purpose but I forgot because I started talking on msn :D

Re-Introduction.

Hi there.

We all know who I am.

If you don't, well...

I'm me and if I wasn't me then who exactly would I be? I am who I am but who is that exactly? You cant really be to sure, everything changes. I know I'm me and that I'm not you.

Now that we have got the introduction out of the way lets just started.

I am 15 years of age.

I live in a povo town called Bundaberg where there is nothing what so ever to do.

I'm a guitarist and a drummer, I started with guitar then went to drums and now back to guitar.

Music is one of the things in my life I will never give up, I absolutely love it.

Phoenix is that special someone in my life and with out her I don't know what I would be like or doing right now. With out her I guess I'd be some loser with no life. I love her with all my heart and I hope I never have to be with out her.

I like snow tigers.

Milk shakes taste good.

Jelly is wobbly, it also tastes good.

I tend to ramble a lot.

I like Mountain Dew its probably one of my favourite soft drinks as well as Vanilla coke.

Chocolate isn't all that great, I prefer lollies.

Death note is awesome.


That's the end.

Jealousy.

Jealousy is a funny thing.

Today I got jealous of something I read and I'm not going to say what. Guess I'm jealous because I have always wanted it to be me or happen to me or what not but it wont. By always I mean like the past three years. So not always but you get the idea.

Why do we get jealous? Because we want what others have? Its rather stupid really. I haven't been jealous I quite a while, but today I read it and it just hit me. Maybe I'm not what I though, I thought that what others had and such didn't matter to me, only what I wanted mattered and cared for. Not trying to sound Up-myself or anything but I'm referring to this. This? Yes this here topic about being jealous. Doesn't Normally occur to me. I care for others but I don't care normally for what they have that I don't.

Sorry rambling a bit there.

Yes jealousy is a rather funny and stupid thing. Though I guess sometimes it has its purposes. And sometimes it just goes to far. Its not something we can just ignore or learn to completely control.

Guess we are stuck with it for the best or the worst.


Signed By,
Joshyy!!

::Hit The Ball::

My Name Is Josh

::Hit The Ball::

And I'm doing fine

::Hit The Ball::

You Mess With Me

::Hit The Ball::

And I'll Blow Your Mind

::Hit The Ball::

I Said Bam Bam Choo Choo Train

Romeo I Do My Thang

I Know Karate I know Kung-fu

You Mess With Me

I Mess With Chu.




END.


Just popped into my head and I remember as a kid we used to sing it a lot ;)

Phoenix.

You are like the friend I have always wanted.
Someone I can joke to,
Someone I can play games with,
Someone I can muck around with,
Someone I can trust,
Someone I can be myself with.


But you are also the girl of my dreams.
The one who I never thought existed,
The one who makes me happy,
The one who can bring a smile to my face no matter what,
The one who supports me,
The one who I can be friends with and more,
The one who is on my mind all the time,
The one who steals my heart everyday,
The one who I fall in love with even more with every second that goes by.


Your are not only my girlfriend but you are also my best friend.
Phoenix, you alone make me the happiest guy alive.


I Love You.


Yours Faithfully,
Joshyy.

2010 Updateish I Guess..

2010 has been a pretty decent year, its been kinda fun, rocking the school as a senior making me feel kick ass and makes me feel bigger and better then the lower grades, School? Pretty good but could be better I just got a new teacher for English but I think I liked my last teacher better because he was gullible and wasn't as sharp as this new teacher about me and my Ipod and phone, this new teacher is actually helpful and teaches us stuff and its rather good as I'm learning AND NOT JUST SITTING THERE WITH THE SAME KNOWLEDGE. But I have a girlfriend who I wouldn't trade up for anything sure it started in 2009 but its 2010 so its still apart of this year, in fact its basically my life, I would do anything for her and wouldn't trade her for anything. She is the most amazing person i have ever met and I'm glad she is in my life, if she wasn't I would probably still be that stupid gay jerk who just slutted around cuz he could and just to make himself look good. She has changed me for the good and to that I take my hat off and do a little bow.
I now have decent clothes and a decent style which I can claim as my own and I don't look like a mega scrub, or as much as one.

2010 has probably been the year I have started to grow up and take my place in the world, I have realized so much this year, what is important and true and what is fake and not worth it. This year i have actually decided to stop joking around and start trying to participate in life and take responsibility for my own faults and what not, I have learned to be truthful as there is no need to hide anything because if you do it will only come back and hit you harder in the future
I have realized what I want and need isn't as important as others who need them more then my greedy selfish wants.

I have become a decent person this year and not a freak or a mega nerd, I have slightly reverted back to how I was in year 6 and 7 and even before that, my music taste has become bearable again, I now have decentish taste in music in my opinion and a decent fashion so I'm no longer a scrub... I'm still a nerd by the way I talk and act but I no longer sit there and play games 24/7 I don't tend to play them that much as I have found better things to do then just sit there nerding out.

I have got a job and its going pretty well, thanks to phoenix. With her help I was able to be bothered to make a resume and put it in at places and I actually got a job. I now work at reading cinemas and I earn a fairly decent amount of cash though I tend to spend most of it when I go shopping... I brought a dream catcher the other week and its rather kick ass, it was phoenix's idea to be honest. I was having nightmares every night for around 2 or 3 weeks but they have slightly gone as what ever was on my mind has passed and I now seem to be thinking slightly better before I sleep as my dreams have gone back to being weird and strange and fun and not torturous.

I really just want to thank phoenix for everything and but I've never been able to come up with a way to say thank you and a way to show her I love her so I tend to just place comments on my blogs saying stuff about her, I don't know why but shes always on my mind and my writing always seems to be relating to her every now and then when I do up blogs or story's or anything really. I really don't stop thinking of her and its awesome :D. I consider myself super lucky to be with a girl like her, shes mature, smart, cute, backchaty, a little mean at times but she always makes me smile even when she is being mean or is angry at me. She is really beautiful and I'm surprised that I'm with her... to be honest I think she could probably find a lot better looking of a guy and really anything she wants. But i don't think I could bare the thought of her being with another guy, it would tear me up into a thousand pieces. And I'm sick of everyone saying shit about her, sure you have your opinions but cant you just shut up and keep them to yourselves I'm sick of all the shit you all say about her.


My school life is going rather well, its been pretty good but out of classes at lunch is when it tends to become boring, as normally the jokes they say are repetitive and are very nerdy and most I don't get.
My grades aren't what they used to be but they are coming up again and becoming A's and B's instead of the C's I was getting in 2008 and 2009.... My last English exam I got a A- so I am happy
Still cant spell but I'm working on it. I have gotten a lot better over the years of high school and now its actually half readable but my writing is still super messy.

Sometimes I wish I could just live in a dream world of my own, I wish I could just disappear and be a god in my own world. Create a world of my own, a world I would fit in properly, a world were I wouldn't have any reason to feel down or sad or anything just a place where i could be happy.

I'm sick of people pushing me round and telling me to do what ever, I've learnt to take a stand! yeahhh! No more cat like Joshhyyy, he has grown and has started standing up for himself, today in fact he did it and got up Jessie and she was like omg Josh is growing up to be a man, gave me such a confidence boost :D I felt so good when I did it and now I know how easy it is to let out my annoyance and anger on people to tell them how I feel. Gotta love the feeling of getting up someone and letting out anger.

I have found new colours that I like and new music and new everything!!! Old josh who wore black or just dark colours in general and was a jerk was replaced this year and a few months of the end of 2009 and to all those who have help with that I take off yet another hat which somehow I had on when I had no hats on at all to start with.


I guess kid josh is back and has kinda grown up and what I was in 2008 and most of 2009 has gone! I feel good knowing that I have destroyed who I was and I hope I will never return. I have actually gotten over my fear of the pool and getting wet and what not now. My hair is a big part of my life, I love to play with it, try to make it look good, which fails. I hate short hair, but I kinda like how it is now at this length its better then when it was long but I liked it at a certain point when it was slightly longer. I wish it would just grow to that and never grown again and never die when I straighten it and such of coarse, that would be horrible.


Really 2010 is just the start of my life, the start of me growing up. As I grow up and realize more about this world and life I want phoenix to be with me the whole way. Going to sound like a broken record but I thank her for everything she has done in my life. I love her with all my heart she is everything to me, I wouldn't have even started realizing anything if it wasn't for her. I owe her everything, I would do anything for her.


I think this is enough of a overview of 2010 so far. Didn't like it? to bad.

Sorry about the blog being all over the place, cant be bothered editing any of it.

Yours Faithfully,
Xendal.

What Class Would You Be For A Day?

WARNING!
THIS POST IS RATHER NERDY!.
CHOOSE TO PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.





I was asked so I answered.

If you could be a class for a day what would you be? Druid, Mage, Pally, Warrior, Hunter, Shaman, Rogue, Death Knight, Warlock, Priest. Would you try save the world or rule it?

I would scour the earth, call me a good or a bad guy, more then a hero, but I'm not a villain cuz I'm too nice.

If I could be any class out of game, I wouldn't want to be a Pally no sir not me, I don't like the thought of Bubbling, though I would be invincible but its really not that great, people would laugh at me but then I could send a Holy Shock and make them meet there fate. Real life I'd be a mage, there powers are insane, send a Frost Bolt yeah that's right just like a snowball fight. Blink into a vault steal some shit then back out again. I wouldn't have to walk I could just teleport, because that's the best mode of transport. I got my water from my conjure not to mention my food. Isn't that great? Late at night it feels so right as I jump off a cliff and use Slow Fall. I could also light a fire by just clicking my fingers. I could use Slow Time and then assassinate the president from behind. Pop up a Mana shield just to keep me safe then summon up a Water Elemental just to pwn your face.

The trip is rather short, not a prob, its okay, because id do it all again, plus next time maybe ill bring my friends! The powers of a mage! So good its a sin!! When my day ran out I wish I could just do it all again.


Thats pretty much all I can think of. Mage would be the best class to be.

Just Another Day Of School **sigh**

First day back of term 3 today, it was lame. Nothing interesting happened at all it completely sucked. I would much rather be at work then at school and work really is boring and crap most of the time, just i earn cash so is standable. SCHOOL SUCKS.


That's all I'm saying on that.



Wish it was still holidays, I miss Phoenix. :(


Yours faithfully,
Xendal.

Back And Forth - Unkle

You see things in life,

And you're bit surprise what you see.

Life, your whole life, is changes.

You go through changes in your life

One second you've got it made

Next second you're down in the dumps

And it goes back and forth

Throughout your whole life

One second you've got the most beautiful girl in the world

Next second you don't even have a girlfriend no more

And it goes back and forth

And back and forth, you known

And this is life man, it's changes

This is what you gotta go through throughout your whole lifetime

I'm going through changes

I'm going through changes

I'm going through changes

And it goes back and forth

And back and forth, you known

Never...
Never...
Land...

Are We All Trapped In A Cell Of Darkness?

Death, Suicide, Murder, War, Rape, Drugs... Does the human race only know how to destroy?.. Are we all corrupted?..

It takes a life time to build, but only a moment to destroy. Will we ever be masters of creation?.. Or are we only just destined for destruction?..

Is there even such a thing as being pure anymore?.. Or are we all corrupt?...

Is there a path the leads to the light?.. Or are we all trapped into cell of darkness?..

Is it possible to run away from it all, to escape the chaos that is following us, that is slowly destroying each and everyone of us?..

If you close your eyes to what ever was difficult to face, does that mean those things will not exist? Will they disappear and leave you alone?..

People say they have it worse then others, yet most of us all have the same problem, Why can we not all just accept it and move forward? Are we really all that different?..

If people are to deeply involved in a problem, is it really to late to realize what is wrong before its to late to do anything about it?..

Are the standers of justice in this world of ours, which are decided by the driving ambitions and turbulent emotions of a small group of people who just happen to have greatest influence, Is it really all that fair?..

Of coarse the bread your eating is much more important then the bread of a stranger. Wait, how is that any different?..

Suppose you could not be sure if there was any ground behind you, knowing that, would you still have the courage to take a step back? At certain times in life does it not take a lot more courage to take a step back, then to take a step forward?..

How can we tell what is pure and what is corrupt when we don't even know what pure is to begin with?..

Should we try live the life we want? Or should we let our fate be decided for us?..

Is love truly an emotion in life worth fighting for? I believe it is, what about you?..

Why Is This Happening...

I seem to be having alot of nightmares lately, I dont have many peaceful dreams anymore they are all nightmares with people dieing or getting tortured or just sad things in life that would tear my heart out or make it explode.

Some of these dreams are so realistic that I often mistake them for reality. When I wake up I sometimes am lead to believe what I was just experiencing was reality and what I am in now is the dream and its so confusing that I tend to believe during my day that I am just dreaming and I will wake up to my real life when I go to sleep. In my dreams I do not just start somewhere I seem to wake up in the dream and live that life and to leave the dream I have to go to bed. My dreams I am able to feel emotion and pain and all the rest, they feel just like real life.

This particular morning I awoke crying and I was convinced this was a dream and I started getting ready to go see phoenix which I was puzzled about since I broke up with her in that dream but I continued getting ready anyways and I only realized I wasn’t dreaming when phoenix sent me a text saying she was on her way. I was so convinced that what happened in my dream was real, that dream felt so painful and it just crushed me so badly just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. I'm not going to tell you about this one on my blog as this was one of the saddest ones I've had.

I have been having other dreams that torture me. This one dream I was walking around town and I felt someone was following me so I tried to out run them and took a short cut but somehow I got knocked out, so after being knocked out I woke up and saw I was only dreaming so I went back to sleep. When I awoke in my dream I was tied to a table that was on a 35 degree angle so I could see the walls. On the walls where monsters that were all ugly and cut up and rather scary. Then a figure started to approach me and said “hello” and introduced himself, he said his name was Phantom, he was in a surgeons outfit and as he was speaking he pulled over a tray with tools on it showed me them and then said “Lets begin” and he started cutting me up and such I was screaming in pain, I then woke up screaming as I passed out in my dream then just went back to sleep after a while. As I awoke in my dream I was all healed no scares or anything and he said “You cant just leave like that, its just not fair”. I noticed I was fully healed and he said “lets try this again” he started laughing as he started it again. This time mentioning stuff about phoenix such as she wont find me very attractive when he was done and such and that she was such a beautiful girl and what not. I woke up screaming again and realized I was dreaming so this time I went and got a drink and came back to bed. As I looked up in my dream he was standing there with a picture of me and Phoenix and he tore it up right in front of me and burned the shirt she brought me for my birthday with 3 other photos of her, I was screaming at him I was so angry and sad and he just started laughing and decided to start all over again. This time he made sure he got to say what was needed to be said, “Phoenix wont find you attractive anymore, she wont find anything interesting about you, she will see only an empty shell, you are nothing to her anymore, you will be tossed aside, you wont fit in anymore, with out her you are nothing, there is no reason for you to live so why not just let me finish and then I can kill you. I'm going to enjoy this, I cant wait to see your heart explode when you hear and see that she no longer wants you, No longer perfect for her anymore, You failure, cant keep her happy like you wanted after all.” I remember it so clearly. As he continued I just let him do it I didn’t struggle this time I just was standing/laying there as he cut me open, I was crying and as I started to fade out and it went black the last thing I heard before I awoke was me saying, “Phoenix…..”.

This dream has gotten to me and what the Phantom said goes though my mind so much since I have had this dream and I don’t know the meaning, maybe I think I'm worthless with out her? No idea.

Ive decided I will now post blogs that scare me so much and that I just need people to hear them to try help me with them even in the slightest, I don’t expect you to understand them I just want to write them down every now and then just to reflect back upon and to see what yous think of them or what they could mean..


So this is me signing out for now, I wonder what I will dream tonight.




Yours faithfully,
Xendal.

Haters Are Gonna Hate.

I'm just real tired of all the comments and messages I get so I figured I had to direct a blog to all you people, sorry about the raging by the way its terrible.


Live your life, do what you want just understand a that haters are gonna hate you regardless, Get that thought out of your head that fantasy world where haters aren't gonna hate , you outta be great full you need haters, so what exactly is there to complain about what is there to be sad about if someone hates on you? What do you think a haters job is? To hate so what are you all complaining about let them just do there job.

You need haters and dissers in life, but you know what, ignore em tell em all to get screwed. All I hear from them is "hippidy do da". I'm all about my life, its my life I'll do what I want and think what I want, I know there are haters out there so what. The haters wanna hate because I have a dream and goal they don't agree with and they just hate because they cant get it themselves but you know what? Keep on hating I'll use it as ammunition so would you please keep dissing me?

Don't worry I'll let you do your job, I know all these mobs are haters but the truth is they should all stop because they are all just lazy slobs. It don't hurt cuz nothing is what your opinion is worth. Its funny because what they say really doesn't hurt.

I don't care if you think I'm amusing, if you don't care why even bother sayin something? I don't care if you think what I'm doing is stupid, fuck you too man its what I'm pursuing!

So fuck it that's all I've got, there's nothing else for me to say, if you have got a problem with me please just up out of my way, unless it is confessed there's really not much of truth, its impossible to reject a murloc up into the group, so good bye to all the bullshit it's my life I'm taking it with me, sworn to all that was wrong, swear they are all just stingy. So if you have no further questions or anything to say to me, let me introduce you to Xendal The Holy Pally Or Joshyy!



Yours faithfully,
Xendal.

Power To Protect.

In life, you tend to find things you wish to look after and protect. What happens if you lose one of these? Do you blame yourself for not being strong enough to protect it? Do you blame yourself for being so stupid and letting it out of your sight for just that moment?

I have a craving for the power to protect what is precious to me, and sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to protect it and keep it safe and from harm from myself and others. Its not just physical power but the mind as well. I believe I don't have enough power to protect it forever so I'm always after ways I can be stronger, mostly in mind because I hate big fat strong muscled people i find it creepy being super buff and what not =/ But yes if you get my idea I'm power hungry at times, if i could just find a soul shard or maybe the soul calibur or soul edge.. yeah soul calibur or edge sounds good so powerful, if only they were real.. With one of them I could increase my power and be strong enough to protect and look after whats precious and important to me. And probably rule the world with the calibur.. But that's not the point, to bad stuff like that isn't real though.

Sorry for a dragging on a bit there.

As i was saying, I am power hungry at times and I just wish I had a way to be stronger to protect what is important to me.

Does anyone else get the feeling your more important then other people and you can feel it when you stand near them? Like your more superior then them in so many ways and you feel like they are below you and don't deserve to be near you? And they should listen to everything you say and do as you think so tell them too?

No? Maybe its just me, I tend to think that to people and I tend to say something in my mind and they seem to move or do as I think, which is completely strange and I know I'm not physique but it makes me feel good but its weird and does give me a feeling of power and superiority. I like it =D


Well I cant say I have lost anything important in life for a while now, though I did a while ago but she is back in it properly now just the way it should be. If I do ever lose her completely I don't know what I will do, to be honest, I feel that she is my world. You know, its more then a feeling, I know she is and I want to live for her and make her happy, life with out her just isn't life at all for me.

Who is this one i live for? Phoenix of course!
Such a silly question Mr Invisible Guy! You noob >.<



Anyways I think I have said enough.




Yours faithfully and slightly insanely,
Xendal.

Failure Is What I Am.

So Ive had a bad night, sad because I can't keep her happy. I always screw up somehow and I don't know how to tell her I'm sorry because just saying it doesn't do a thing.


Ive realized today that I need to hide, not from anyone but from myself. I hide behind other peoples problems and I hide behind this mask I wear.


I normally tend to help others so I feel less bad about my own problems. I don't open up to anyone but Phoenix most of the time, but I don't like telling her because I feel bad because I know she has problems and doesn't need to hear about mine plus I just want to make her happy I just want her to be pleased with me but I cant do that because I'm a screw up.. a failure.


I just want to know if she is happy with me, pleased with me, to afraid to ask because from my point of view she deserves better then me and I only cause her problems, pain and sorrow. I don't care about myself, I have one dream in life at the moment and that's to make Phoenix happy by doing anything possible, but as Ive said, I'm a failure. To afraid to ask because I don't want to be crushed yet again, Ive been hurt enough and just want to do one thing, I want to make her happy and pleased with me.


I hide behind others, I help them with their problems so I do not have to look at my own.
How about my followers? If any of you read this anymore since my one when I was a jerk and a heartless bastard.



All I want is to make her happy and prove I love her.



Once again, I wear this mask, not to be hidden from others but to hide from myself.
This mask is my friend, its always helped hide my emotions and problems.



Yours Sadly but slightly faithful,
The Mask wearer,
Xendal.

Mask, welcome back, hide me once again.

I said to myself earlier today, "Why keep this mask you wear when you don't need it anymore? You no longer have to hide, you have her to thank." I was so glad I have her in my life, so happy I am to hear her voice every night to see and hear her say she loves me.

How foolish am I? She might say she loves, but I know I'm not any good for her, she deserves better all I seem to do is hurt her in one way or another.

Ive picked back up my mask that I tossed aside earlier this morning, no longer happy I wear this mask once again.

If you read this, I'm sorry for the pain I cause, I wish I could just give you the happiness you deserve.

Only Another Day Older.

It was my birthday yesterday. I normally hate my birthday and I have ever since I was a kid but I was looking forward to this years birthday as I had Phoenix and she is important to me and always makes me happy so seeing her made my birthday awesome and fun.

I had to work on my birthday, I was thinking it would be bad and horrible and I really didn't feel like working on my birthday, but turns out it was okay and kind of fun, I was on work with Dean and Darren, two of the coolest people at reading cinemas in my opinion. We had kebabs for lunch, they tasted good. Worked from 9 till 4.20, the whole day they gave me crap and said my girlfriend was imaginary but it was kind of funny. Finished worked got changed and some guy miss ordered and wanted a frozen coke but then didn't want it, so I got to drink it for free. :D

After work Phoenix arrived and we ordered tickets to see Back Up Plan and drinks and popcorn. I was so happy to see Phoenix and felt like it was the best birthday ever, which I guess it was. We watched the movie and occasionally id throw popcorn at her for fun. Anyways we watched the movie, had her in my arms and held her hand <3, and after watching it we brought a frozen coke to drink, then walked out and saw Minnie and Her mum ( Amy's sister and mother for those who don't know.. ) and I talked to them for a bit, called mum phoenix said she was cold put my jumper around her and heard and saw Minnie and her friend just point and said "aww isn't that cute, look there so cute together awww" which made my day even better, and made me feel glad and special that I got to have a girl like Phoenix and that people think we are cute together.


Mum picked us up we went home to drop Dylan off then went straight to the twins to pick them up then to bowling. We arrived Hayley was waiting for us and Julian, so we got in there paid and then went to do laser tag. It was fun but I really sucked :D . Then bowled which I suck at as well, I think I lost? I don't remember. After doing them we went arcading for a bit then got bored so brought chips ate them, then went for a walk. Phoenix and Hayley ditched us and went the other way, which made me feel kinda bad/sad/depressed because I just wanted to spend all night with her but she went the other way with Hayley. I said to myself "They will want to to go home as soon as we get to them" Which they did, which made me feel terrible because I just wanted to be with Phoenix but she wanted to go, but I guess that's selfish of me. They decided to stay, then everyone was bored or depressed or something so we all went back inside and arcaded for a bit more then all back out the front and played truth or dare for a bit which failed and we ended up walking for a bit and then called mum to take Phoenix and Hayley home and myself, really wish I didn't, I wanted to spend more time with her. Got to Phoenix's house walked her and haylz to the front door said goodbye, then went back to the car feeling sad because I had to leave and she wouldn't be with me anymore, Selfish yet again. Got home laid in bed for a bit, then came on msn and talked to Aden and Tom, discussed stuff with them and Aden showed me some pictures of some cool weapons and what not.


After that I went to bed and thought to myself that this is the only birthday I actually kind of enjoyed apart from having to leave Phoenix, really wish I didn't have too. This birthday I did stuff, all my other birthdays I sat in my room being yelled at by friends and family.

Thanks guys and girls for making my birthday good for once.




Am i too possessive/clingy? wanting to be with Phoenix all the time and wanting to hold her and what not? I want tell her how I feel and what I want but I cant do that because what if she doesn't want that and then everything falls apart? Id rather just make her happy and not care about my wants or anything. I'm just scared ill lose her if I do actually do something wrong or if she doesn't like or want it or what not. Just want to make her happy but I cant think of anyways to do so and as I said I'm scared of trying to do anything in case i lose her.




Yours Faithfully,
Xendal.

Jobs are horrible.

So I started a new job at reading cinemas if you didn't know, I'm happy that I got the job but its taking away time I could be spending with Phoenix so I wont see her that much anymore, and now she has a job interview for another job at food works so she will have two jobs meaning it will be rare that I see her.

So I'd kind of depressed that I wont see her much anymore, not to mention shes not allowed at my house or anything anymore because her parents said. I wish I never got a job but I do enjoy this one, just I hate the fact I will rarely see phoenix.

What can I do? Tell her not to get the new job because I wont see her? That's selfish. I cant just do or say that. So I'm sitting here typing this to just try to let emotions out about it. Kinda happy she has gotten another job in a way because she is making a start to her career and earning money so she can go to university, I'm glad she is trying to do something in her life, I'll support her with it but I'm still afraid it will stop me from seeing her more.

I think the job is better for her then me, I seem to just cause problems for her and the job will help her in the future. What am I going to do in the future for her? Nothing that I can think of, maybe just support her but how is that any help at all.



Shortest blog ever by,
Yours faithfully,
Xendal.

7 Months Phoenix ♥

Going to contribute this post to my girl once again to show her and you all about how I feel even further and to tell her and the readers about stuff i love about her etc.

To phoenix.

Okay first off.

Its been 7 month as of today. I'm rather proud of that and I hope she is too, I wanted to send her a text today, but once I typed it all and hit send, I realized I had no credit which disappointed me at the time.

My day has been rather good so far apart from getting this new haircut which is short but apparently according to people it doesnt look all that bad, Anyways its about her not me so lets get into it.


As I was saying, its been 7 months since we started dating, this relationship has had its ups and its downs, but as Tyler said on one of his blogs, whose relationship hasn't? There have been some rough times and I have screwed up majorly but she has forgiven me and we got back onto track, which I thank her for and even though she says its okay I still feel bad about it all. We argue every now and then but lately it has been going smooth and we have been getting in even more depth with each other, we are speaking about things we don't normally speak of and I enjoy the stuff we talk about. Then there are good times when we just hang together and go to the beach or pool or stay at hers or mine and watch movies. I remember this one day which I think would have to be one of the best. We went to the movies to see the new "Alice In Wonder Land" it was pretty good, we cuddled up while watching it. Then after it she came back to my house and we did what ever we wanted and after a while we went to the pool and it was just me and her, it was fun, swimming? if you can call what we did swimming, we kinda walked around, well i did she was just was holding onto me and let me do all the moving, lazy ;P. But yes it was fun and just an awesome day sorry for dragging on because you all have no idea but she does and yes this post is for her.



So Happy 7 months Phoenix, Love you forever and 3 days after <3



I had a dream last night, I awoke in the dream at phoenix house sleeping over her's. Rolled over kissed her on the cheek and said good morning to her and she grabbed me and hugged me, thats the start. We then arose out of bed and went to have breakfast which happened to be milo cereal with cream. So we ate our breakfast and we then decided to go for a walk, as usual we walked around the block but we saw this little dog run across the road, it looked funny ;P. So after the walk we got back to her house and got dressed as we were going shopping! We after we got dressed we went shopping, but before we went shopping we went to the beach and walked along it for some reason, then went shopping, while out shopping I seemed to have a fair bit of money and I brought her a ring which for some reason we put on a chain and she wore it around her neck. We then just went shopping and what not and kissed every now and then and hugged you know the usual. Then we went back to hers and played sing star, the only time i have ever beaten her was in this dream.. I felt good. After sing star we watched a movie then i went home not so long after it and went to bed. End of dream.

Yeah it was kinda pointless to say all that but yes it was on my mind. And I felt like it needed to be said.

There are a lot of memory's I really enjoy with phoenix i mean a lot, but that pool one I spoke of earlier was pretty awesome.

The other day I went over her house and we watched a movie like normal and also went for a walk, like normal. But we watched the movie in Carters room since her dvd player was broken D: . We spent a while looking for just one movie which we gave up on looking for as it was no where to be found. We watched Pirates of The Carrabain 3. After that we went into her room and I tried on her clothes, I look rather sexy in her formal uniform, well I think so. And I tried on a shirt of hers, I loved it, it was tight and looked sexy, I also tried on a dress. ;P We do have some pretty awesome days together :D Oh did i mention? she has a really smexy looking evil tree that she drew.





I wanted to write some more things I respect and love about her so I think I will.

Respect?
I respect that she has given me extra chances and thinks what it would be like to be the other person and if they would want another chance. Thanks for that.

I respect that that she can always try to manage time for me.

I respect that she is herself and doesn't try to be someone different.



Love?

I love that she helps guide and support me in life, with out her id be lost and unable to find my way. Id still regret life and wouldn't want to live anymore if it wasn't for you.

I love that she drives me crazy.

I love how she pulls me in and kisses me.

I love how she jokes around and does something funny and cute with out meaning to.

I love when we just lay there and cuddle with out saying a word.

I love going to the pool with her and just splashing and playing around in the water.

I love that she makes me fit in and have a place.

I love how when i go to say something but i look at her i just lose all my thoughts and can only think of one thing, you.

I love that I love her and always will and I will never forget, I wish I could just hold onto her forever.



Well i guess i thank you all for reading


Miss you terribly phoenix, Love you.




Yours faithfully,
Xendal.

My Dear Sweet Angel.

So there's this girl. I want to tell her I really like her, wait no, love her. Actually it's more that I'm IN love with her, completely in love by heart and mind. Nothing can stop this feeling I have for her. There is so much about her I just love!

Her name is Phoenix.♥

I first meet her at the pool with my best friends, first thought was "Wow this girl is pretty.." that was in year 8.. Ive only recently started to get to know her, wait? no that's not all that true, I started talking to her in year 8 ( i think ) on MSN every now and then and she used to tell me about her friends and how some of them annoyed her back then. Well that's how it started. But i was jealous of one of my best mates because i swear he liked her back then and so i tried not to go with them to the pool when they went because I just didn't want to be around holding feelings which she didn't share for me but I thought my mate liked her back then so i decided to back off and try not to see or go with them, I regret my decisions but now I think it has all worked out and is going rather well with her. She is fun to talk to and we seem to have a conversation going most of the time when we talk to each other even if the conversation going doesn't have much meaning or what not but it still keeps going most days and its just fun. One day I might write a blog about jealousy and how we all suffer from it at time but now isn't the time as I'm just trying to write events and things that I found important.

A few weeks before i actually started dating her, me and her and 2 friends went to the pool every now and then and we just hung out all friend like and all, then we went to the movies they might remember this night, i know i do, it was the night she first kissed me, it was after the movies on a Thursday we were walking around though sugar-land, her mum got there to pick her up and we kissed and i watched her walk away and saw her get into the car and drive off, what a beautiful night, what a beautiful girl. We saw Astro-boy that night, wasn't as good as the cartoons but was still pretty good. I remember holding her that night as well, my friend has photos of it. But yes that night was our first kiss and i enjoyed it. Few more times to the pool over a few weeks and went to my friends with her that day, That was the day i asked her out. October the 19th. Its nearly been 7 months we have broken up twice but it is running rather well again.


I find myself in class just constantly thinking of her and being unable to focus on my work as I just cant get her off my mind. Just getting lost in thought and finding myself thinking of her.


Lately I've been thinking of something to do with you, Ill be losing for you and wining for you, sending for you, all ways be living for you, I adore you, like to hold you, I listen and try not to bore you, I'll never ignore you cuz i cant live with out you, I need to be around you, I need you to be around me, I love you. And I love having someone like you to be around me. Having you in my surroundings, being able to hear you then ill always be able to breathe cheap and take leaps.



I respect her in a lot of ways. She has so much about her that i respect and love about her.

I respect how she tries to care and look after for me even if she is a bit bossy when she does so.

I respect the way that she listens to what I have to say and helps me with problems that are on my mind.

I respect that she likes who i am and doesn't pick on any of my downfalls and she trys to support me.

There are a few respects.. now how about some loves?


I love that she is unique in her own little ways.

I love that she is mature and isn't like a kid and can act her age and not like most girls who act immaturely and seem like kids.

I love the feeling of when she is around she warms my heart, just hearing her voice makes even my bad days good.

I love how I don't have to hide my feelings about things to her and I can be open to her.

I love that she can make me smile, normally my smiles are fake but i always smile truthfully for her.

I love her eyes i love her hair, i love her body its very sexy/beautiful/yum? But her eyes and her hair are the main features i like.

I love that she is in my life. Simple.


Ive been thinking of ways to show how much I love her and trying to find ways to show I care and to repay her. Here is one, I hope you angel it Angel, and I hope the rest of you enjoyed reading about what i love about her too.

Kissing A Magical Frog Wont Work.

Do you know when you have made a mistake and you cant undo it or go back because you have gone to far forward? Its quite a common feeling for me how about yourself?

So i decided to throw all this together and show you something that normally happens in life for girls and guys.

She kept saying no regrets in her blog trying to hide that she actually had regrets all about it and she tried to stick to her life goal. I wanted to tell her she is stupid for holding in all her emotions and just to let them all out and tell me or tell the world, but I can't talk here, I tend to leave all my true emotions about stuff and lock them deep inside and I don't tell anyone how I feel and just like this girl, I just want to do what my friends want to keep them happy. Why should I be happy if my friends are not happy? Why don't I just disappear? Why I ask, to be honest, maybe because it's impossible to disappear I've tried and I haven't done to tell, I'm still here. She says everything happens for a reason? Maybe what she says there is correct, maybe what happened will happen again, maybe how they wanted it to be, or maybe it will just tear the two apart and they wont be able to be friends or something horrible like that. She says it was just a silly boy and she keeps telling herself that but the more she tells herself I think the more she realizes it isn't true and that what happened she might have wanted and kept forever in her heart. Maybe this silly boy thinks she is beautiful or something more and maybe he wants the same as she wants but cant do that right now? She states that she tells herself something every day so it will eventually come true but it never does. Maybe what she tells herself isn't mean to be non-existent and maybe what happened was meant to happen for reasons later in life? I really don't know but that's enough blabbering about all that, hopefully the people that think that will take it into consideration now and think about their choices and whats going on in there life and mind. Don't let one boy or girl slow you down in life, if you really must you should keep them as close as possible so as soon as there is an opening you can snatch them like a fly landing on a Venus fly trap.


I hear countless number of girls say love doesn't exist i even hear guys saying this. Maybe you are all looking in the wrong places and looking for the wrong reasons for love. It all takes time your not just going to find some magical frog kiss it and you have your prince, life isn't like a fairy tale it is much tougher then that. You will lose the one you love every now and then. All of a sudden the world is over and you go all depressed and push away everyone just because you lost them. But you will either gain them back or move on and find someone new some time later in life, live life as it comes don't just get stuck in one point in time, you have to keep moving forward.



Some times you just have to realize that being sad about what ever your sad about just aint going to get you know where. So with that being said stop being so sad.



Yours Faithfully,
Xendal

Traveling A Lonely Road With Bumps.

So I was sitting here just wondering, What am I going to do to update my blog every now and then? Well I really don't know. I wanted to just write down all my feelings on my blog but is that really a good idea? Doing that will get people questioning what I'm discussing. Maybe that's good? Maybe its bad? I really don't know..

Well at the moment I really just wanted to say how lonely it can get when you are home alone and you know you will be for the rest of the week, home with just the pets. That doesn't seem so great at the moment, the dog isn't coming over for a pat and the cat isn't laying next to me like normal. But earlier I saw something i don't normally see, The dog and cat playing together, they ditched me for each other, gee thanks guys. But no seriously I am home alone and I have nothing to do and all I can think of is her, and its just making me feel more lonely as she is no where near me and that's getting to me.

You know the feeling of just wanting to be hugged/cuddled? Yeah that's the feeling I have got at the moment.

I hear people saying about boyfriends and girlfriends being clingy and they always just want to see the person or they want to hold them? Its because they miss you don't you see that? How about you look at it for a second, if the person doesn't see you much and when they do they hug you and want to hold you but you don't say anything but you know it annoys you. Why don't you sit down and talk to your partner about it so you are both okay with it.

Personally I enjoy clingy, its a major turn on when a girl is clingy, because I know she will constantly want to be around me and to hold me or me hold her.
Others hate clingy and they say they need freedom from there partner to be with friends.

Oh another thing?

Organizing to do something with your partner but they always have to have one of there friends around. The guy or girl wants to spend time with you not with your friends, see my point here? Bringing friends along to places all the time when seeing your boyfriend or girlfriend is not good at all and it tends to be annoying.
Its fine with me just as long as its not all the time, that's just not fair.

I don't know where any of that came from but I'm kind of glad to get it all out. Hasn't happened recently to me. Which I'm glad about.


This is completely off topic but I need help with it.
Ive been thinking that I finally need to start repaying her with the stuff I owe her.
What do I owe? Anything. I just need to surprise her apparently.
Anyone know any good ways to repay the one you love?
I owe her for trouble I have caused her and stuff that she has helped me with. So in what way can I repay my dear sweet Angel? Any suggestions would be nice. I want to give her something that will make her feel good and make her happy, maybe even make her feel good enough that she just has to brag to her friends ( That sounds nice ). It can be anything even if its a bit dirty or what not i wish to hear all the suggestions you can give to make her happy and feel good.

Yours Faithfully,
Xendal.

The Gate Way

I decided to make a blog as its a way i can just write all my feelings down and i can read back though it every now and then to look back at my past and what not. Ive wanted to write a blog for a while now but i just couldn't be bothered but after reading though some of my friends blogs its inspired me to write my own. Since this is my blog ill write what i want so if you don't like something I've wrote then just say something or maybe you can just shut up about it and not flame or QQ. This is my first ever blog so I'm just going to give a run though about myself and what not.

About me?
I'm turning 15 this year and i don't like the sounds of that, each day that goes past i feel like I'm getting older and I'm slowly getting closer to being old and that is one of my fears. Yes its a stupid fear but have you ever seen how old people move and talk and look like? All the problems they have? I really don't want that so I'm not looking forward to it, I'm rather scared of getting old and dieing. Well not so much dieing but im scared of being alone and not having anyone there, i just dont want to be old and i think we shall leave it at that, or maybe i should continue so you see my point? Or maybe you already get my point? Who knows but I'm just going to leave it at that.

As i was saying I'm 15 this year, i tend to hide behind the name Xendal and its slowly becoming a name im used of hearing from people so when people talk to me i expect them to call me Xendal but then they call me my Josh and it confuses me for a second or two. I have really really weird dreams i will post about them every now and then on this here blog and you will see what i mean. Im a nerd in my own way and I'm rather weird and random. I like to play video games but i don't do it all that often anymore as it tends to bore me as i know what to do i finish the game in a day or two, But you can never get sick of the Zelda games they are just the best, I like Docter Who its awesome. My favourite colour is amethyst, its a shade of purple and its also a gem, but someone very very special and important to me says i cant have that as my favourite colour so I'm going to have to say its dark purple or a light shade of purple, No I'm not gay =P. I'm a music addict, i love to listen to music, anything that has a beat but its not all yelling and screaming and just really loud then its find with me, I cant stand screamo. I love the singer Decision he is a rapper and i normally hate rap but his songs are just, well i dont know i cant explain them they are that good. I love the bands Secondhand Serenade, Hellogoodbye, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Mayday Parade, Unkle, Simple plan, Blink 182, Bands that are like them i rather enjoy listening to, I like love songs or something to do with depression or emotions if you get my drift, something about how people feel about another. I currently play drums and i have decided to learn guitar as a pass time when i don't feel like playing drums. I practice at school with two of my friends in the music rooms, We practice every lunch and we are slowly getting better. One day i wish to be a musician. Im kinda lazy but im not fat im rather skinny and people call me a stick but i dont choose to be like this i try to eat alot to put on weight but i only seem to lose it so i really dont know whats going on there. I tend to just sit around and listen to music or watch movies or what not or just sit on msn talking to my friends. I like the movie The Boat That Rocked, and also Titanic, i love comedy movies and i also love a bit of romance and sad movies. I only watch romantic/sad ones normally when im with Angel. Anime? Love it, i love Howls Moving Castle, Bleach, Elfen Lied, Death note etc. I like to read, what was that? you think only freaks read? well your mistaken there. Reading is something that many people enjoy and i love it, Skulduggery FTW!!!. I like milkshakes they are super yummy, my favourite food has to be jelly, Nothing is better then jelly in foods. I like to think im a kid still and i try to do kid things so i can still enjoy it while i can. I like YoYos because they go up and down and up and down and you can do tricks with them im not all that great at them but its still pretty god damn fun. I like to play with stuffed animals, i make them talk and walk around etc and its rather fun, i tend to pick up and play with any i find weather it be Torri's unicorns of Phoenix's butterfly pillow, i will play with them because i find it fun. I have a habbit of chewing on plastic or what ever i can find when im alone and bored, I like to chew on plastic the most as its fun to do so and i sometimes like to chew on scissors. I like shiny objects, anything that sparkles or shinys or glows i will fall in love with. You know the sound of water splashing as it hits the ground? Yeah that one, i love that sound, I love waterfalls!!!!! I love forests and the way they look and such oh god i can just picture it now, a waterfall surrounded by a forest with the sounds of birds and a running water fall and such, I love it how about you? I love animals, I really really like snow tigers or leopards they have to e my favourite animals. Birds are awesome because they can fly and be free, i like to just fad away and day dream a lot and i like to think im a bird and i can sore high and be free, I normally day dream alot i don't stop normally, something is always on my mind and i love to picture it and act it out in my mind. I over think things and i normally think negative leading towards bad things and if someone does or says something i normally take it negatively and i get depressed over it, or i just change the story completely so its depressing and such, i just cant stop it, its just something that happens everything i normally think of becomes negative and depressing in my head. My friends are okay, most annoy me and i don't care if they read this, But most of my friends annoy me because they push me around or punch me or something and it just pisses me off and makes me want to punch them but i don't do that because I'm normally a calm person and i tend to hide behind a fake smile to hide all the depression and bad thoughts im thinking. There is around 3? people i can be truly honest too with my feelings, 2 of them are girls, one is a guy I've known for quite a while. I like to draw and i draw really random things, I normally draw during classes at school because I'm bored or just cant be bothered

That seems like enough about me for now.

Wow.. i seem to love a lot don't i? Well guess what, i hate twice as much.

I hate people who think they're better then everyone else.
I hate flamers.
I hate jerks.
I hate people who constantly QQ about every single damn thing, QQ means cry or wine if you didn't know.
I hate not being good enough for people.
I hate the mistakes I've made in my past.
I hate what i did to her the other day or what not but I'm trying to make up for it and hopefully she will forgive me and trust me fully again.
I hate what i look like
I hate who i am basically
I hate that i take everything negatively.
I hate that i have very low self-esteem
I hate bully's if someone is being bullied i will step in and help that person. Bullying is just not on.
I hate the fact that there are positions in life, People with money live a good life and people with out normally don't and some even live on the streets. I cant stand how up them selves rich people are and it just pisses me off that they think they are better and they normally wont even spare any money for the poor, while people who are like me and are in between we give away money to those who need it and what not.


Oh there is a lot more i hate but i really cant be bothered to list anymore.


Anyways this is the end of my blog part thingy.

I am who i am but who is that exactly? I don't know maybe it will all come to me one day and ill wake up and live the life i was meant to lead.

Yours faithfully,
Xendal