Why Is This Happening...

I seem to be having alot of nightmares lately, I dont have many peaceful dreams anymore they are all nightmares with people dieing or getting tortured or just sad things in life that would tear my heart out or make it explode.

Some of these dreams are so realistic that I often mistake them for reality. When I wake up I sometimes am lead to believe what I was just experiencing was reality and what I am in now is the dream and its so confusing that I tend to believe during my day that I am just dreaming and I will wake up to my real life when I go to sleep. In my dreams I do not just start somewhere I seem to wake up in the dream and live that life and to leave the dream I have to go to bed. My dreams I am able to feel emotion and pain and all the rest, they feel just like real life.

This particular morning I awoke crying and I was convinced this was a dream and I started getting ready to go see phoenix which I was puzzled about since I broke up with her in that dream but I continued getting ready anyways and I only realized I wasn’t dreaming when phoenix sent me a text saying she was on her way. I was so convinced that what happened in my dream was real, that dream felt so painful and it just crushed me so badly just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. I'm not going to tell you about this one on my blog as this was one of the saddest ones I've had.

I have been having other dreams that torture me. This one dream I was walking around town and I felt someone was following me so I tried to out run them and took a short cut but somehow I got knocked out, so after being knocked out I woke up and saw I was only dreaming so I went back to sleep. When I awoke in my dream I was tied to a table that was on a 35 degree angle so I could see the walls. On the walls where monsters that were all ugly and cut up and rather scary. Then a figure started to approach me and said “hello” and introduced himself, he said his name was Phantom, he was in a surgeons outfit and as he was speaking he pulled over a tray with tools on it showed me them and then said “Lets begin” and he started cutting me up and such I was screaming in pain, I then woke up screaming as I passed out in my dream then just went back to sleep after a while. As I awoke in my dream I was all healed no scares or anything and he said “You cant just leave like that, its just not fair”. I noticed I was fully healed and he said “lets try this again” he started laughing as he started it again. This time mentioning stuff about phoenix such as she wont find me very attractive when he was done and such and that she was such a beautiful girl and what not. I woke up screaming again and realized I was dreaming so this time I went and got a drink and came back to bed. As I looked up in my dream he was standing there with a picture of me and Phoenix and he tore it up right in front of me and burned the shirt she brought me for my birthday with 3 other photos of her, I was screaming at him I was so angry and sad and he just started laughing and decided to start all over again. This time he made sure he got to say what was needed to be said, “Phoenix wont find you attractive anymore, she wont find anything interesting about you, she will see only an empty shell, you are nothing to her anymore, you will be tossed aside, you wont fit in anymore, with out her you are nothing, there is no reason for you to live so why not just let me finish and then I can kill you. I'm going to enjoy this, I cant wait to see your heart explode when you hear and see that she no longer wants you, No longer perfect for her anymore, You failure, cant keep her happy like you wanted after all.” I remember it so clearly. As he continued I just let him do it I didn’t struggle this time I just was standing/laying there as he cut me open, I was crying and as I started to fade out and it went black the last thing I heard before I awoke was me saying, “Phoenix…..”.

This dream has gotten to me and what the Phantom said goes though my mind so much since I have had this dream and I don’t know the meaning, maybe I think I'm worthless with out her? No idea.

Ive decided I will now post blogs that scare me so much and that I just need people to hear them to try help me with them even in the slightest, I don’t expect you to understand them I just want to write them down every now and then just to reflect back upon and to see what yous think of them or what they could mean..


So this is me signing out for now, I wonder what I will dream tonight.




Yours faithfully,
Xendal.

Haters Are Gonna Hate.

I'm just real tired of all the comments and messages I get so I figured I had to direct a blog to all you people, sorry about the raging by the way its terrible.


Live your life, do what you want just understand a that haters are gonna hate you regardless, Get that thought out of your head that fantasy world where haters aren't gonna hate , you outta be great full you need haters, so what exactly is there to complain about what is there to be sad about if someone hates on you? What do you think a haters job is? To hate so what are you all complaining about let them just do there job.

You need haters and dissers in life, but you know what, ignore em tell em all to get screwed. All I hear from them is "hippidy do da". I'm all about my life, its my life I'll do what I want and think what I want, I know there are haters out there so what. The haters wanna hate because I have a dream and goal they don't agree with and they just hate because they cant get it themselves but you know what? Keep on hating I'll use it as ammunition so would you please keep dissing me?

Don't worry I'll let you do your job, I know all these mobs are haters but the truth is they should all stop because they are all just lazy slobs. It don't hurt cuz nothing is what your opinion is worth. Its funny because what they say really doesn't hurt.

I don't care if you think I'm amusing, if you don't care why even bother sayin something? I don't care if you think what I'm doing is stupid, fuck you too man its what I'm pursuing!

So fuck it that's all I've got, there's nothing else for me to say, if you have got a problem with me please just up out of my way, unless it is confessed there's really not much of truth, its impossible to reject a murloc up into the group, so good bye to all the bullshit it's my life I'm taking it with me, sworn to all that was wrong, swear they are all just stingy. So if you have no further questions or anything to say to me, let me introduce you to Xendal The Holy Pally Or Joshyy!



Yours faithfully,
Xendal.

Power To Protect.

In life, you tend to find things you wish to look after and protect. What happens if you lose one of these? Do you blame yourself for not being strong enough to protect it? Do you blame yourself for being so stupid and letting it out of your sight for just that moment?

I have a craving for the power to protect what is precious to me, and sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to protect it and keep it safe and from harm from myself and others. Its not just physical power but the mind as well. I believe I don't have enough power to protect it forever so I'm always after ways I can be stronger, mostly in mind because I hate big fat strong muscled people i find it creepy being super buff and what not =/ But yes if you get my idea I'm power hungry at times, if i could just find a soul shard or maybe the soul calibur or soul edge.. yeah soul calibur or edge sounds good so powerful, if only they were real.. With one of them I could increase my power and be strong enough to protect and look after whats precious and important to me. And probably rule the world with the calibur.. But that's not the point, to bad stuff like that isn't real though.

Sorry for a dragging on a bit there.

As i was saying, I am power hungry at times and I just wish I had a way to be stronger to protect what is important to me.

Does anyone else get the feeling your more important then other people and you can feel it when you stand near them? Like your more superior then them in so many ways and you feel like they are below you and don't deserve to be near you? And they should listen to everything you say and do as you think so tell them too?

No? Maybe its just me, I tend to think that to people and I tend to say something in my mind and they seem to move or do as I think, which is completely strange and I know I'm not physique but it makes me feel good but its weird and does give me a feeling of power and superiority. I like it =D


Well I cant say I have lost anything important in life for a while now, though I did a while ago but she is back in it properly now just the way it should be. If I do ever lose her completely I don't know what I will do, to be honest, I feel that she is my world. You know, its more then a feeling, I know she is and I want to live for her and make her happy, life with out her just isn't life at all for me.

Who is this one i live for? Phoenix of course!
Such a silly question Mr Invisible Guy! You noob >.<



Anyways I think I have said enough.




Yours faithfully and slightly insanely,
Xendal.

Failure Is What I Am.

So Ive had a bad night, sad because I can't keep her happy. I always screw up somehow and I don't know how to tell her I'm sorry because just saying it doesn't do a thing.


Ive realized today that I need to hide, not from anyone but from myself. I hide behind other peoples problems and I hide behind this mask I wear.


I normally tend to help others so I feel less bad about my own problems. I don't open up to anyone but Phoenix most of the time, but I don't like telling her because I feel bad because I know she has problems and doesn't need to hear about mine plus I just want to make her happy I just want her to be pleased with me but I cant do that because I'm a screw up.. a failure.


I just want to know if she is happy with me, pleased with me, to afraid to ask because from my point of view she deserves better then me and I only cause her problems, pain and sorrow. I don't care about myself, I have one dream in life at the moment and that's to make Phoenix happy by doing anything possible, but as Ive said, I'm a failure. To afraid to ask because I don't want to be crushed yet again, Ive been hurt enough and just want to do one thing, I want to make her happy and pleased with me.


I hide behind others, I help them with their problems so I do not have to look at my own.
How about my followers? If any of you read this anymore since my one when I was a jerk and a heartless bastard.



All I want is to make her happy and prove I love her.



Once again, I wear this mask, not to be hidden from others but to hide from myself.
This mask is my friend, its always helped hide my emotions and problems.



Yours Sadly but slightly faithful,
The Mask wearer,
Xendal.

Mask, welcome back, hide me once again.

I said to myself earlier today, "Why keep this mask you wear when you don't need it anymore? You no longer have to hide, you have her to thank." I was so glad I have her in my life, so happy I am to hear her voice every night to see and hear her say she loves me.

How foolish am I? She might say she loves, but I know I'm not any good for her, she deserves better all I seem to do is hurt her in one way or another.

Ive picked back up my mask that I tossed aside earlier this morning, no longer happy I wear this mask once again.

If you read this, I'm sorry for the pain I cause, I wish I could just give you the happiness you deserve.