Depression, Its breaking me.

I'm kinda depressed.

I miss Phoenix heaps and I really wish I could just have her in my arms to forget about everything on my mind and just focus on her.

I don't know, I honestly don't.
I feel like, Just giving up. Walking out on life, Sick of who I was and what I did.

I haven't been the best Boyfriend in the world.
I haven't been the best Person in the world.
I'm just one of those trashy people.
One of those ones that don't deserve to be happy.

I know its true, Look at what I've done and shit to people, I used to play with peoples minds just for fun.
Look at what I have done, Ive ruined peoples feelings and emotions and their lives just for a bit of fun on my own part.

Including Phoenix's.
I never wish I did any of it to her. She doesn't deserve it.
I want to make it up to her but I know it wont ever happen.
I don't feel worthy enough or good enough for her.

I keep going on by life and I've taken none of the consequences it always falls on the other people, they get all the big problems from it and such and I walk away with nothing.

The only feeling I get from it all recently from the stuff in the last few months or well year or so is depression and angry, Normally I can control it but lately Its out of hand because its all built up and I regret hurting Phoenix so much and I know she wont forgive me and will always hate me somewhere in her because of it.


For the last few months I've just felt like shit, It was my fault and all for everything that occurred and I honestly just wish to forget it. But no matter what I do it always comes back to me, the memory's and seeing what I did to Phoenix. It keeps showing me how much I don't deserve happiness, how much I screwed up. I care so much for Phoenix. And look, I messed up, Big time.

Its haunting me and making me angry or depressed/sad and the way I take it out is by bashing the crap out of my punching bag until I can no longer move or breathe properly and my hands are swollen and bright red.
It doesn't go away, Its always there. Always ruining my good moods, plaguing my dreams. I just want it to stop, Its breaking me. I just want to let go of everything and fade off into the darkness where I cant hurt anyone.

I know I cant expect forgiveness or any shit like that, but I want it to stop. I want this depression and angry that keeps boiling up inside me to just go away.

I want to be good enough for Phoenix, I want her to be happy.
I don't want to hurt her, I wish we could move past this properly and for her to forgive me so I know she truly cares and does love me back.

But that's just being selfish.
Yet again, Another selfish thought.

Who would have guessed.

I just want it to stop, I want her to be happy with me.
I want to know the person I love and care for with every inch in my body and soul, Will forgive me and that she loves me.

Why am I such a screw up...

As It Grows Darker - Improved version.

I see them, where they sit, where they act so happy. Just a few kids, at school, sitting around talking and making jokes and laughing at one another. I see me, sitting as a kid, I’m not alone I’m with the kids, who all continue to laugh in this long forgotten place. I'm sitting in a tree watching myself play. He looks up and is smiling, to them I am nothing, I do not exist I am but a mere shadow. I look into his eyes I don't see truth what I see is a lie. The world is starting to grow darker thunder is heard. The kids get up and run to their mothers which should not be there during the school hour, no maybe I have it wrong, maybe this is after school. No, it doesn’t matter, Time makes no difference. Only what is yet to occur. I continue to watch as it yet grows darker and darker. Clouds have taken over the sky, lightning and thunder are starting to dancing around for they are free and mock these young people. The parents grin, their eyes widen. They start to change, finger nails grow longer, and their arms turn into a rough purple red colour scale likish, they grow horns and wings, their faces extend and become narrow and they turn into demons. They laugh as they hold the kids like they are nothing to them, only food, all they want from the kids are their souls, Delicious souls to eat, oh how the demons will enjoy their little treat. There is fire, the buildings are burning I see the kids starting to scream the world is falling into chaos they are screaming for help, yet it is futile, they will soon be dead, all their screaming for nothing, they wasted their chance, if they were smart they should have tried to escaped, but no. Soon to be nothing but without a soul, Soon to be nothing but a lifeless body. I just sit there, in my tree, watching kids be slaughtered by demons, that are coming out of no-where. They sky begins to fill with them, death following them where ever they go, this land is only to lose its happiness today. I watch as the demon who once appeared to be my mother, swing her tail she did and plunged it right though my heart, she drops licks the blood off her tail and lets the boy fall to the floor. I look into my eyes again, I recognize the pain and the sadness he has in his eyes now. Now I see how the world feels, happiness has gone. Nothing but darkness and death surrounding us all. “We live to die.” I whisper to myself as I watch from the tree. He falls to the ground, lays there bleeding. He looks up at me one last time before his departure. The young boy holds out his hand and says with his last breath. “Help me” and now becomes a nothing but a corpse. I sat and watched as he bled to death on the ground, as he cried for help for someone to save him. Yet there is no hero of this tale, so alone and to be forgotten he must die. As he drew his last breath I jump out of the tree and walk away into the darkness smiling as I fade away. What is yet to come to this world? What else is yet to occur? Will others lose their lives or will they somehow find hope, find one small shard of light in this world that beings to be swallowed by darkness, one shard of light to save this world from the corruption and evil that is spreading about it.