Depression, Its breaking me.

I'm kinda depressed.

I miss Phoenix heaps and I really wish I could just have her in my arms to forget about everything on my mind and just focus on her.

I don't know, I honestly don't.
I feel like, Just giving up. Walking out on life, Sick of who I was and what I did.

I haven't been the best Boyfriend in the world.
I haven't been the best Person in the world.
I'm just one of those trashy people.
One of those ones that don't deserve to be happy.

I know its true, Look at what I've done and shit to people, I used to play with peoples minds just for fun.
Look at what I have done, Ive ruined peoples feelings and emotions and their lives just for a bit of fun on my own part.

Including Phoenix's.
I never wish I did any of it to her. She doesn't deserve it.
I want to make it up to her but I know it wont ever happen.
I don't feel worthy enough or good enough for her.

I keep going on by life and I've taken none of the consequences it always falls on the other people, they get all the big problems from it and such and I walk away with nothing.

The only feeling I get from it all recently from the stuff in the last few months or well year or so is depression and angry, Normally I can control it but lately Its out of hand because its all built up and I regret hurting Phoenix so much and I know she wont forgive me and will always hate me somewhere in her because of it.


For the last few months I've just felt like shit, It was my fault and all for everything that occurred and I honestly just wish to forget it. But no matter what I do it always comes back to me, the memory's and seeing what I did to Phoenix. It keeps showing me how much I don't deserve happiness, how much I screwed up. I care so much for Phoenix. And look, I messed up, Big time.

Its haunting me and making me angry or depressed/sad and the way I take it out is by bashing the crap out of my punching bag until I can no longer move or breathe properly and my hands are swollen and bright red.
It doesn't go away, Its always there. Always ruining my good moods, plaguing my dreams. I just want it to stop, Its breaking me. I just want to let go of everything and fade off into the darkness where I cant hurt anyone.

I know I cant expect forgiveness or any shit like that, but I want it to stop. I want this depression and angry that keeps boiling up inside me to just go away.

I want to be good enough for Phoenix, I want her to be happy.
I don't want to hurt her, I wish we could move past this properly and for her to forgive me so I know she truly cares and does love me back.

But that's just being selfish.
Yet again, Another selfish thought.

Who would have guessed.

I just want it to stop, I want her to be happy with me.
I want to know the person I love and care for with every inch in my body and soul, Will forgive me and that she loves me.

Why am I such a screw up...